I love talking to people, but networking is really hard.
I’m an introvert. I also have a good bit of social anxiety so I don’t feel comfortable in big groups. I love to be alone, or with a friend and discussing the meaning of life over some coffee or a hike. If I could have one rainy day to be alone to drink tea and read books every week, that would make me really happy. But as a startup Founder, networking is a necessity.
A lot of people think that I’m outgoing, gregarious, loud, and love to be the center of attention. And they’re right. At times. I can be all of those things, but it’s also a skill that I’ve intentionally developed over the years.
Networking events are hard for me. It also takes a lot of energy out of me. I have to make a conscious decision as to the pros and cons of actually showing up to each event. Once the decision is made that I have to attend for business or personal reasons, I start to psych myself up, sometimes days ahead. I think about the things that are exciting, people that I’d like to connect to and come up with a goal for the evening. I’ve found that having a goal helps me be more focused on the goal and not the anxiety of being at a networking event.
When I get to the event, I usually sit in the car and text my husband about how much I miss being at home with the kids because I’m usually missing their bed time. He usually texts some amazing pep talk back because he knows I’m feeling anxious about the event, and I take a deep breath and get out of the car.
Once I get to the room, I take another deep breath and scan the room for people I know. If I don’t see anyone I know, I usually go to the food and drinks. I don’t drink alcohol, so the usual methods people use to “loosen up” don’t work for me. I use the food and water to keep me busy. And then I scan the room again and usually I can find someone I know, or hope that someone more courageous starts talking to me first.
Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to people. I also love talking to people about my passions, and what I’m doing at my startup, Hydrostasis. Hearing about people’s thought processes and their life experiences are fascinating to me, so I’m interested in pretty much any topic that comes up. The problem with networking is that I struggle with starting a conversation and ending a conversation. And I never know what to do with my hands!
Another thing that I need to do is take breaks, because working myself up zaps my energy. I take multiple bathroom breaks throughout an event so that I can get away from the noise and people essentially shouting at one another in a busy room. I can’t handle a loud room for too long.
I need to step outside for a literal breath of fresh air and then psych myself back up to heading back inside to accomplish the goal I had set for the night.
Very often, I don’t accomplish the goal, and I feel upset that my anxiety has gotten the best of me, once again. But these days, I’m able to shrug it off and tell myself that I’m happy I made it to the event, and I’m happy that I was able to talk to some people and make some connections.
When I get home, I try to follow up through email and maybe set up a time to grab coffee with the people I connected with or the people I knew were at the event, but failed to connect with. Because unlike networking events, I am an expert at coffee chats. Both drinking coffee and chatting over coffee, because as an introvert, one-on-one conversation is how I best communicate.
Debbie K. Chen, Ph.D. is the Founder, CEO of Hydrostasis. She’s passionate about empathetic leadership and integrity-focused businesses.
Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com.
